I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
You Might Also Like
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.