20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
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Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
me and my fake scenarios
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
TRAIN’S HERE
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..