Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
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have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof