Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
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Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.