Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
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“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
Every BBC series about the universe.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.