it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
You Might Also Like
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?