yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
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Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken