Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
You Might Also Like
I need better friends
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years