You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
You Might Also Like
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
i want to work in this restaurant
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?