Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
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My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.