Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
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Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o