(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
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How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
shut up and take my money
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Not today.. 😂
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now