When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
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Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!