Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
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Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
Here’s a meme
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.