Always leave them wanting their money back.
You Might Also Like
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”