I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
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[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
My birthstone is kidney