mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
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first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
my lower back watching me try to live my life
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym