The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
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Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.