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When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
Whenever my “advanced placement” tween gets too brain cocky I like to remind her that I’ve had to pull a jellybean out of her nostril not once, not twice, but 3 times
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.