A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
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my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
can you read it!!??
maan!
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
Mornin
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
Blew out my flip flop…
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.