Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
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CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.