The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
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king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
Donating blood today to make room for more food
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!