coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
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If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
I pray every night that I never become religious…
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
My neck my back my allergy attack
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.