The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
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PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
Weirdos gonna weird.
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
Respect
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
kitchen magnet
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust