Two types of dogs.
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A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
Netflix: We have Less
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
Is this a threat?
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.