[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
You Might Also Like
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.