Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
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saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
was Jim off killing horses or…
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician