Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
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AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.