Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
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my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
The best plant holders?
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.