[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
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just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.