I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
You Might Also Like
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
*orders delivery*
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
fly smarter, not harder
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.