Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
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[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
Tough love is true love
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*