Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
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I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
Grow up never but we old may grow we
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
🔦🌙👣
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over