I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
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Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
checking out some reviews of my local library
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all