me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
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While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
Gods work.
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*