painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
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You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom: