them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
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I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
wtf is an acronym
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.