Yup.
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Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
Tremendous stuff
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
😅😅😅
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.