ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
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Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl