My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
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Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird