I only say stupid things when I talk.
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Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”