My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
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[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
Why am I like this?
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!