I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
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I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
what
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.