Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
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Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
hi why am I like this
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes