How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
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my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
m’lady
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
Put a ring on it
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
And they lived apathetically ever after.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.