Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
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Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
These work great until they don’t.
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
The prophecy is fulfilled
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.