My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
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I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
I like long walks away from everyone
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
Not today, today.
Not today.
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.