Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
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I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
The pasta is now
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica