When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
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In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd