[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
You Might Also Like
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills